To tell the truth, I don’t know who I am. Or who I’ve become. Although I’m not sure which of the previous is better said or more accurate I decide to go by both or neither because once I look in on myself I am both indecisive and set on a point of view. I no longer know what morals I live by, how to act around people, how to get along. I can no longer say that I don’t care cause I do, but I don’t. You see, I try not to get attached… for some reason whatever it may be. I can’t seem to find myself in all of the drama in my life. At this point I become hypocritical. I’ve always disliked people who whine about their lives, look down on others, get frustrated easily, live stressed or get stressed over insignificant details, are obnoxious and are simply uptight, spoiled, hypocrites. I can no longer say that none of these apply to me. Ironically, I still possess those dislikes which therefore means I live in my own hypocrisy.
Over the past two years I like to think that I have learned about my parents and my family. Society. Social hierarchy. The irregular yet cliché of a society that I have concluded my school to be. And how to handle it all. Somehow I think I handled it all wrong, although I don’t know where I started to go downhill. It was all a very weird slow pivot-like thing in which everything moves so slowly that you don’t realize you’re moving until you stop because of a machine malfunction and you look up and see a the same scenery from the other side of the mountain. Just how the light hits it all it becomes something else all gloomy and dark. UGLY.
I sometimes try to focus on avoiding becoming one of my parents in which case I start to resemble the other which in turn causes me to focus on the second parent and brings me back to the first. I don’t have any type of problems with confrontation however I deeply try to avoid unnecessary (of at least what I deem unnecessary) drama. In all this whish washing of my parents and me trying to keep the people that I need close for relief (friends) close, -cliché coming up- I kind of lost bits and pieces of me on the way without realizing.-told ya-
Anyway, for now I just needed to establish that I’m not anything right now other than a hypocrite and a confused messed up teenager who is simply trying to –cliché alert- understand herself a little bit better and who she wants to be. I plan on taking this whine/ramble/establishment and put something into action However I don’t know how to approach it and come out successful but for now that’s ok.
be: past indicative were (wûr), past subjunctive were, past participle been (bn), present participle be·ing (bng), first person singular present indicative am (m), second person singular and plural and first and third person plural present indicative are (är), third person singular present indicative is (z), present subjunctive be
is, are, were, was, am, going to be
