To Flirt, Or Not TO Flirt

I love people, I do seriously. However, I don't seem to understand flirting. I understand when it happens and what it looks like an how to do it and crap. What I don't get is when is it OK to do so? Cause throughout my life I've been getting in trouble cause I apparently have an extroverted personality which comes off as flirtatious.
Whatever... so I end up thinking ill of the flirtatious.... ok I'll survive.

Course Of Life

Yes, I realize I haven't written. Nobody reads though... technically there's no pressure, I guess. Until literally the 3 seconds it's taking me to explain I hadn't noticed that what I learned in class applies to my life right now. I hate when that happens, that you simply don't connect, make some kind of twitch in your brain that keeps you in oblivion... The brevity of life. As we have seen in my literature class... as I have seen these past 3 months... Time, so fast, so slow, moments both overwhelming and relaxing at the same time. Sometimes you just need  breather.Time waits for no one and the rushing raging feeling takes over your mind and you suddenly don't know where all time went. That's what John Mayer does for me every time I play his song. It's literally like he is pausing me. I'm aware of everything around me yet i feel completely paused. Like that time for me doesn't matter. Doesn't exist. My heart slows down, I get cold, my chest feels heavy and I start to feel each breath. The way it travels through me into my emotions. Makes me sad, and overwhelmed and in need of a kiss. A hug. Of one of those long stares in which you look into someone's eyes and speak without words. to know that someone else is in existence, in a paused existence. My emotions exude through my hair my eyes my pores, through me.

I'm really gonna miss my brother. I already do. I miss myself, the time already past... me a year ago, me yesterday, my birthdays, the day I fell asleep on the floor, the days in which so many people stayed over that I slept on chairs put together, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, the moment in which I met each person I have ever met, the nights I would go on my roof and watch the stars. I miss watching the stars.

melancholy
                                                           deep breath.

Thursday

I hadn’t really understood happiness until now. Funny, I thought I did, like everyone. Or most everyone, we haven’t been truly happy but we know, we understand what happiness should be, what it’s supposed to feel like, in what circumstances happiness could apply. My understandings of this, I mean this is what I thought. I was wrong. My circumstances do not come close to the picture I had in my head and feels nothing like any description I ever read or received from another human being. Nothing just, NOTHING about it matches up. I thought this was ok.

I am no longer sure of my happiness…….. Thinking processes are responsible for that.

Yet again another existential “crisis”. -I need to find a new definition for what I am experiencing because I’m not really sure this is in fact it.-I have decided to try to write down ALL of my thoughts. Who am I, who do I want to be? Mood swings don’t help. What is trust? Why trust anyone? Why would society create “trust” by doing so you are implying that in fact trust or indifference wasn’t in existence and thereby creating distrust. Judgment. Secrets. Feelings. Anatomy… sleep. Human contact. Hugs, love. A significant other. A counterpart. A counterpart is a soul mate?

A kiss. False impressions. Carnal advantages.

Fakeness.

Here, my mind is going through a mixture/mesh/explosion of things. Which by now is Blank.

And evidently this is what it feels like:

A person covering a 500 mini-person fight with a sheet. You gotta wanna take your time and look under the sheet to see it.

Oh, spending time with myself.

T-T-Time

Tick. Bite. Step. Write. Play. Grasp. Hear. Tick.
Disbelief. Book. Carry.Tick.
            Blink.
Nostalgia. Tick
Tock.

Tear.

Leave it behind.

The Power Of "Be"

To tell the truth, I don’t know who I am. Or who I’ve become. Although I’m not sure which of the previous is better said or more accurate I decide to go by both or neither because once I look in on myself I am both indecisive and set on a point of view. I no longer know what morals I live by, how to act around people, how to get along. I can no longer say that I don’t care cause I do, but I don’t. You see, I try not to get attached… for some reason whatever it may be. I can’t seem to find myself in all of the drama in my life. At this point I become hypocritical. I’ve always disliked people who whine about their lives, look down on others, get frustrated easily, live stressed or get stressed over insignificant details, are obnoxious and are simply uptight, spoiled, hypocrites. I can no longer say that none of these apply to me. Ironically, I still possess those dislikes which therefore means I live in my own hypocrisy.

Over the past two years I like to think that I have learned about my parents and my family. Society. Social hierarchy. The irregular yet cliché of a society that I have concluded my school to be. And how to handle it all. Somehow I think I handled it all wrong, although I don’t know where I started to go downhill. It was all a very weird slow pivot-like thing in which everything moves so slowly that you don’t realize you’re moving until you stop because of a machine malfunction and you look up and see a the same scenery from the other side of the mountain. Just how the light hits it all it becomes something else all gloomy and dark. UGLY.

I sometimes try to focus on avoiding becoming one of my parents in which case I start to resemble the other which in turn causes me to focus on the second parent and brings me back to the first. I don’t have any type of problems with confrontation however I deeply try to avoid unnecessary (of at least what I deem unnecessary) drama. In all this whish washing of my parents and me trying to keep the people that I need close for relief (friends) close, -cliché coming up- I kind of lost bits and pieces of me on the way without realizing.-told ya-

Anyway, for now I just needed to establish that I’m not anything right now other than a hypocrite and a confused messed up teenager who is simply trying to –cliché alert- understand herself a little bit better and who she wants to be. I plan on taking this whine/ramble/establishment and put something into action However I don’t know how to approach it and come out successful but for now that’s ok.



be: past indicative were (wûr), past subjunctive were, past participle been (bn), present participle be·ing (bng), first person singular present indicative am (m), second person singular and plural and first and third person plural present indicative are (är), third person singular present indicative is (z), present subjunctive be

is, are, were, was, am, going to be

Clear Uncertainty

Another school year closing in on us, another year that I'm oblivious until I have so little time left. (I’m a world-class procrastinator, what can I say?)So far I’m making sure I no longer owe anything to anyone (teachers), checking the classes I enlisted in next year, reviewing my options as to the classes I want to take opposed to the ones required by High School and bachillerato. Packing boxes. For when? Uncertain until further notice. Rethinking my choices this year, reliving it in my head. I’m not sure that I’m happy with how I decided to take this past year but I am, for sure (or at least 90%) not unhappy with it.

I’m not sure I “grew” as a person, per-say, but I changed for sure. Physical changes become apparent though very slight. Hair got weird, grew an inch, maybe a couple? New clothes, tattoo, thicker ankles, grew in some places, not so much in others (imagine what you want… dirty mind.) Maybe some slighter changes involve my way of being me.

Let me rephrase, better yet explain that. What I mean is that I think in this past year I have acquired a shorter temper with my parents and anything that has to do with either of them. Unfortunately I have been told I am now resembling them… I’ll work on it.

Milestones and facts:
- Took my first AP class
- Almost failed my first AP class
- Became more serious… I’d like to think so
- Danced, Laughed, Cried, Patience
- lost at Binationals
- regained independency
- managed to paint well over half of my wall- surface-area
- stayed out of any romantic entanglements
- Managed my family
- took a step into my OWN life
- managed family all the while
- Stayed alongside friends
- gained better judge of character
- no longer care as to what I say, people who know me deal with it

I really had no idea what I was going to write. I will soon turn 16 and ironically and as a big of a cliché as it might sound, I have my priorities much clearer now than ever before, granted 15 years isn’t long which is why I can say it with certainty. I hope this summer is (for lack of a better word) awesome and I can’t wait until I can formally say I did, scratch that, DO what I want to the full extent.

(LAWS DON’T COUNT DUH)

I'm Back... Am I?

What is wrong with life? Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s simply because I've never been in a situation like this in which people are so extremely unhappy. People say that life isn't always peaches and cream. Well, I understand what they mean but I wouldn't describe it as peaches and cream. Maybe something more along the lines of sunshine, colors, smiles and essence. Regardless, I've never thought of it always being "peaches and cream". For some reason I've always been fully aware of life's shortcomings and downfalls, its drama and circumstances, of how exhausting it can be.
I thought that it was all in how you decided to take it. On your reaction. That everything you do is up to you.
Recently I have found myself in a situation in which I don't know how to take. So I haven't taken it in any particular manner yet. I just kind of exist, I am, for now. And what happens when it’s too much? When you can't take it?

Some ponder on taking their own life. Not me. On being independent. Sometimes me. Finding an outlet. Sometimes I think I found it but it appears to have failed with certain purposes. Music is a great outlet. Cooking, painting, punching (not ideal but effective) all seem to help me in some way or another but never seem to be consistent.
Back to the thing (for lack of a better description), trapped in a limbo of nothingness in a permanent state of being. I’m not necessarily happy or sad, or stressed or gone crazy… I just am. I still haven’t found a reason for my nothingness but seem to have become at peace with it. Maybe. So I’m not technically choosing my reaction to it. Maybe it’s just an overwhelming feeling that went overboard to where it’s no longer a feeling… it’s numb? So how true was my original thesis? Because on one hand you could sulk, or let yourself be defeated, or burst or let it become a debacle in your mind; however at some point your (what I assume is a) subconscious reaction is to simply be. A Blah moment.

Why Should This Be The Title?

Why? What happens now? My mind has now become somewhat of a mesh of what is, can be, could've been with no urge or real initiative to answer it; not even looking for an answer. Do we even look for answers to those questions?

I don't know. Today I got home, did homework and did what I do when I get bored. Surf recipes online. I realize that this might be a arduous task for some or simply stupid for the rest but somehow for some reason I enjoy to cook. I don't even have to eat it. As a matter of fact I like eating one or two then I want my creation out of my house. Unfortunately, things don't happen like that. Anyway, I came across a very easy recipe for bagels and I said why not? I made them (not well, missed a step, ended up miniature... but I made them)

I told some of my friends through BBM what I was up to so she asked me if I hadn't made them, would I buy them. I in fact wouldn't have bought them, however I made them. She later asked me, "If you're not gonna eat them, and they're not good enough to sell, then why are you making them?"

This is when this whole existentialist crisis kicked in. I looked and searched and stuffed things in and out of my mind desperately seeking an answer all the while sitting in silence.


Little by little ideas and words started creeping into my brain and started making sense, as I was creating this blog. All of a sudden, "Blogger" asks me to decide which default setting I want. I'm faced with all these different options with no will or preference, it's just me and the computer screen, staring at me impatiently. I chose "minima dark” which translates to minimal dark. Right next to it was simply “minimal” however I didn’t choose it because I need the text to pop out for my own pleasure.

I guess we do what we do because we are taught to, we are used to it. Yes, as a matter of fact that is the cookie cutter, philosophical wannabe answer but I don't think you understand what I'm getting at here.

Things exist for our own pleasure with no reason as to why we continue them or prolong their existence any longer. Stupid? Selfish? Spoiled? Too complex for understanding? What are we?

I guess I didn’t answer my question, but then again I wasn’t looking to.