Thursday

I hadn’t really understood happiness until now. Funny, I thought I did, like everyone. Or most everyone, we haven’t been truly happy but we know, we understand what happiness should be, what it’s supposed to feel like, in what circumstances happiness could apply. My understandings of this, I mean this is what I thought. I was wrong. My circumstances do not come close to the picture I had in my head and feels nothing like any description I ever read or received from another human being. Nothing just, NOTHING about it matches up. I thought this was ok.

I am no longer sure of my happiness…….. Thinking processes are responsible for that.

Yet again another existential “crisis”. -I need to find a new definition for what I am experiencing because I’m not really sure this is in fact it.-I have decided to try to write down ALL of my thoughts. Who am I, who do I want to be? Mood swings don’t help. What is trust? Why trust anyone? Why would society create “trust” by doing so you are implying that in fact trust or indifference wasn’t in existence and thereby creating distrust. Judgment. Secrets. Feelings. Anatomy… sleep. Human contact. Hugs, love. A significant other. A counterpart. A counterpart is a soul mate?

A kiss. False impressions. Carnal advantages.

Fakeness.

Here, my mind is going through a mixture/mesh/explosion of things. Which by now is Blank.

And evidently this is what it feels like:

A person covering a 500 mini-person fight with a sheet. You gotta wanna take your time and look under the sheet to see it.

Oh, spending time with myself.