Try Not To Read

Sometimes life, gets complicated. And, let’s face it, my head, my mind doesn’t make things easier. I’m aware that what I say, what I think, is characteristic of a heavily medicated human being, or a deeply disturbed character... I feel that it’s neither. That I, that my brain, simply developed this way. I won’t deny it. Sometimes it gets hard to deal with. But people aren’t really the problem… Sure, I get some disapproving looks here and there, get in idle and ephemeral bickers here and there but the real struggles, the actual hassle comes from myself.

The thing is that dealing with my own head -though I in no way want to make it sound like I’m whining, cause that’s not what I’m aiming for- can become somewhat of a hassle. When I was little and started having these time-lapses, these spells in which my brain, my thoughts absorb my entire conscience, I would simply let them happen and disregard them as an occurrence of the moment. An everyday thing. They've developed into pieces of life which overlap and erase others, like a poster board made over time in which information becomes relevant and other gets erased. In which friends and opinions, and feelings, and interests, and approaches and bursts of feelings explode like paint-filled balloons at a carnival leaving their strong and short-lived trail behind. I think it’s beautiful… but every so often, the poster board gets lost and it’s like it gets covered by a blanket or a cloud of exhaust left by a moment in time that got driven away in an old car.

It scares me to really say this because I don’t have a way with words and I’m customarily misunderstood. Saying that I forget where I am, that my reality is not mine but someone else’s or that a show, a song, a breeze, a thought or a smell can simply overpower my brain and sink me into a moment or a state of being whether it be hyperactivity or anger that is not me may alarm some. I know for a fact that I’m not making myself clear, even though people... Anyone… can read this and feel like they understand, they don’t. And not because of their ineptitude but because of mine. Because I don’t know how to properly express myself.

It’s complicated in short. And even when I do start to put it in words my thoughts jump and skip over to other things  to the point where I no longer remember…. Alzheimers? Maybe…

As I am right now, I feel that there are many things in my head but one main emotion, and as I write, I literally, LITERALLY don’t see the keyboard at times. My vision is obscured by an envisionment, by my memories, my reminiscing. His eyes, that bottle, another night, I love him…. Love is not the word that I'm looking for. Love is meant for passionate, romantic sentiments while I, here, am using it do try and convey this feeling… this ultra-pseudo-mecca feeling that is what I feel at this specific moment. However,  I can try: Appreciation, gratefulness, affection, attraction, frustration … I can’t do it right now. It’s fine. Whatever.

One Of The Reasons They Suck

I am no stranger to the affirmation, girls can be annoying. And we can be. I’m a girl. I know.  However, I am more than annoyed with the opposite sex being completely incapable of admitting to their respective baggage. Why is it that some guys only want you for a certain purpose? Can’t they simply be contempt with a friendship? Simply talking? Why is it that only people in a relationship talk for hours?

 I personally know many interesting guys that I would love to talk to for hours but I have had the same cycle with each who I do. To them, my endless conversations, my interest, has to come from some form of attraction. It can’t simply be my intellectual curiosity, it has to be something more, and therefore they search for the “next step”.

Finally, when they don’t get what they’re looking for they conclude that the time was poorly invested because it won’t get them where they wanted; reason for which I am then ignored. Pathetic. I hate it. I love good conversation and I acknowledge that there are interesting people out there and it truly irks me that I am marginalized for simply wanting conversation.
Yeah, this was poorly written and whatever but… BRAGHFAGH!

Seeing Them In A Different Light

So, I've always had this thing with... or maybe it's for "crazy" people. For asylums. I was gonna say something along the lines of, "don't get me wrong", but you can't get me wrong, I mean exactly that. Because by thing.. I don't mean fetish or things of the sort, but it is more than one emotion at a time. I feel happy. Partly because I know that they don't see the world like other, or most, people do which is probably the reason they were dubbed crazy or insane. Happy because some of these people achieve what many of the others fail to do. They live within the rest of the world. Living by their rules, or at least not getting caught. I also get partly jealous... because even though in asylums there may be sociopaths, murderers and whatnot, I feel like it's like grouping some of the most brilliant, creative people in an area and letting them feed off of each other. (Not feed like a zombie but Feed intellectually or experiential-ly...)
I really want to go to an asylum inmy lifetime.. For now, I don't know if I want to be committed or simply help out there or something.

At least I know this much... for now I guess... I LOVE THE CRAZIES

" A world where the amount of exclamation marks you write on their wall is directly proportional to your relationship to them."

Breathing Curse Words

Sometimes, you just need to scream. Scream at no one... at everything. Cuss. Cry. Hide.... maybe you need to leave so you can breathe. Punch a wall and consequently cuss because it hurt more than you originally planned.

A couple days ago I found myself demanding that time give me my life back. I wanted my childhood years where campfires with friends, playing during recess, and moments of first boyfriends filled the places of my life which now hold drama, angering feelings of hopelessness and more drama. I hate telling people my problems. I don't like that they care. I feel people have their own problems to bear my own also. I know about this first hand. That's why I've learned to laugh at situations and remind myself that things aren't as bad as they seem to be and that I'm acting like a baby. So I rather be alone, implode.

When I tell you to PLEASE leave me alone, I mean it. But I don't. I really do want you not to care. But I don't.

and when I tell you it's fine, it's cause I know we all have problems and I promise you don't need to care, or even pretend that you do. It's fine.

Time:
for you... I would like you to go fuck yourself.

Or actually, you know what? Actually, you can just give me a breather o remind me of who I am... what I like, who I like o be... Without anyone to interrupt.

Maybe that's what's been bothering me.

The Shortest Story Ever Told

I am.

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!" 
— Woody Allen

Reach Out And Grab It

You know how when you leave a really good movie, you kind of leave with the movie transformed as a feeling inside you? Maybe it's just me; but I really feel like that when an inspirational speech is given or something. I really feel like I will be the change, I will be environmental, I will be the bigger person, I will be more kind... but as I'm pretty sure has happened to others, reality doesn't seem to work that way. Soon you mind loses track of that feeling and you find more important things to worry about like your actual reality, your friends, family and goals and how society functions.

The thing is, today I had that bubbly inspirational feeling... But I felt it like a catharsis. Nobody told me about it, or mentioned it and being as I use this blog not only to vent but to document and later remember of y old thoughts, I thought I might as well...

Right now, you can do anything you want. As a matter of fact, you can ALWAYS do anything you want to. Imagine shamelessly. Create willingly. Value patience. Learn. It is one of the most important things that make you who you are. If you want something, *reach out and grab it*. You know that if you quit something, it's because you no longer want it. /but as long as you do, don't give up. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work." -Thomas Edison

Enjoy what you do. Smile. And it's always nice to be wonderfully random.


"Part of me suspects that I'm a Loser, and another part of me thinks I'm god almighty"- John Lennon

Doing

I've always been told that in life you'll have to do things that you don't want to. This is wrong. The truth is, sometimes you'll do thing you don't wan't to do, but no one actually forces you. (unless they're like abusing you or something of the sort) You do it cause you don't want to let other people down, or to prove your worthiness... or  cause you don't want to have to deal with the hassle of them staring you down, shaking their heads, or simply it's the fact that they won't stop to understand why you don't want to.

Tomorrow, I'm going to do something I don't want to. Partly because I'm lazy, but mostly because I didn't want to do it in the first place. And dumb old me gave in to the repetitive voices of my friends... what you do to get people off your case. The thing is, I'm not a very stable person (and I mean this in the most sane way possible.) I get bursts of urge and angst to do things, but then they leave and, I change what it is I wanted to do. Almost like seasons, but without the pattern. And truthfully right now, I feel like dancing, and painting, and creating, and sleeping, and figuring out my life. Maybe it cause recently I found a very strong interest in film-making, or maybe it's because I haven't relaxed and done these kinds of things in a while. Or even maybe, it's because I want to have a sense of control over my life. 

I really want to do what it is I want to do without people nagging me about it, because it kind of takes some of the fun out of it. Anyway... I wanna quit... but I probably won't. Ain't that a joy?

The Goldman Sacks Branch

Oh so much stupidity/corruption/mindless competition/douche-bags in the world. I would like to focus, more specifically, on those in the United States, mainly because it's the "leading nation"… or so I hear. First, I would like to say that I love Michael Moore's films. Mind you, this doesn't mean I agree with all that he expresses and suggests in them, but I like how he does things. I just finished watching "Capitalism: A Love Story" and am extremely pissed off at the US government. I took US History last year and concluded that that country's government is messed up. From what I've gathered, not only are they greedy but they're A-holes who only care about their own welfare, even if it means screwing other people over.

I was appalled when Moore showed us that generally multi-billion dollar companies like, Hershey's, Citibank, Nestle, Wal-Mart etc. are re-naming themselves as their employees beneficiaries. This means that if something were to happen to them, the money of their health insurance goes to the company rather than the family. They took it upon themselves to screw the middle-class… congratulations.

Oh, and did I mention that in Pennsylvania some people paid to have the juvenile detention center closed, paid to build a new one and rent it back to the state? Also, they keep it open and finance it on taxes. These wonderful adults then paid a judge to fill their cells because they wanted to gain money. Outrageous stories of teenagers being sent to the detention center because they had a discussion with a friend in the mall, smoking marihuana at a party one, getting mad with their parent's significant other and throwing food at them, and for opening a blog online criticizing her vice principal arose. To this I have to say: What the fuck corporate America? Oh, and to make it worse, the a-hole of a judge changed what was a 2 to 3 month stay into a year detention. I understand if a kid is sent to jail over a serious offence but dude, they're screwing with these kids futures! They now have lost a year of their lives for being teenagers and have a criminal record all so a couple a-holes of adults could get money? Are u F-ing kidding me? Teenagers have it hard enough, we have "raging hormones", our frontal lobe (in charge of logical thinking) isn't fully developed, we're being pushed into the "adult scenario" and we're expected to always control ourselves. So damn stupid.

I dare anyone, try to have me arrested for writing this blog. No… stupid corporate America, you can sure as hell expect me in one of the strikes against you in the future, because I vow that if I decide to integrate myself in your game, I'll make sure you lose. And I'll do it without cheating like you have, without screwing people over, I will NEVER be as much of a douche bag as you are.

I sincerely hope the United States becomes a true democracy; because in case you really are setting the example, you do it right.

Guys

I consider myself to be independent. By no means do I think I''m perfect, but again, I don't think perfection is attainable. I like how I don't care too much, that I don't need so much ego-boosts as the majority of my counterparts, that I like/love talking to extremely different people who ultimately aren't that different. I like the "jocks" vs. my bio nerds... the "shy" girls vs. outgoing easy ones... the "bad" people to the "bad" reputation.

I simply love it, however; today I was watching Glee and I heard the cutest thing I've heard in a long time "There's a moment when you say to yourself, 'Oh, there you are, I've been looking for you for forever'." (it's actually from a guy to another gay guy) adorable regardless... anyways today I was missing the feeling of crushing on someone, liking them, thinking about then, holding their hand.

I'm very proud of never faking feelings when it comes to guys. When guys liked me but I didn't like them, easy... I didn't lead them on... When I like a guy... I will eventually tell him.... If I just want to make it a once type of thing, I'm very open about it... If I think that he's not the brightest I tell them... If they're good-looking... I might tell them .... etc. I vow to never do otherwise. Faking attraction, or feelings to get your way is not only mean but pathetic that you couldn't find any other way to do it. I wanna like a guy but really like him. When he tells me something I want it to mean more to me than anything else anyone says, when he looks in my eyes I want it to be like he sees me, when he holds my hand, it's the simplest cutest thing he could ever do... to hug me.... not for the people at school, not for show, not for his friends or family but for himself, for us...

I just realized I got all... umm... what is that? Romantic?..... Anyways

I miss it

Half-ass Article

So as of late, I've been completely overwhelmed with life. School, and family, and health, and college, and… BLAGH. Seriously. I know that this isn't a foreign feeling in high school students, and we shouldn't complain or whatever, but I need to. I've been advised to write an article: so here it goes.
Last year, I took it upon myself to sign up to the Advanced Placement (AP) courses that I'm interested in. I thought, twelfth grade is stressful enough with all the college applications and SIS reunions and completion of credits and turning of legal age and whatnot, so it would be better to divide my AP's so that I would have only one or two in twelfth grade. So ultimately, my schedule has three AP's two Pre-AP's and the other two mandatory classes. Today, with two months to go till the AP exams and feeling somewhat behind on my work, I have gotten to a brilliant conclusion: When in eleventh and twelfth grade, we should be able to decide which credits to take.
Logically speaking, you take the classes you like thus, you actually work and try to do a good job. In my case, I'm reduced to allowing mediocre effort in my AP classes which I like in order to meet the standards of classes which I HATE. Note: this doesn't mean I'm bad/get bad grades in these classes, simply put; I don't think they're worth my time.

How We're Really Gonna Die

I got home at 3... it's 8.... I haven't gotten up in the past two hours yet I haven't finished my first homework. Damn computer... I get distracted easily.... for this I sympathize with those with ADD who take online courses.

So I'm convinced technology will eventually be what kills humankind. It has it's own way of corrupting us, first it lures you in because everything is no new and innovative, we are curious beings. It hooks you because it makes everything easier, we are lazy beings. It's entertaining, we get addicted. It allows for anonymity, something all humans long for. To be nosy and not be thought of as nosy or tell on someone and not be the snitch, to think that the online world is separate than reality therefore has no repercussions.

Technology allows for constant and international communication. It also allows for immunity to empathy, to sadness, impressionability. It allows for all around carelessness. Face it, we are weak and we morph and succumb easily, we have done this o ourselves. I, personally, have become more of a procrastinator, feel less need to actually learn because all I need to know is available on my blackberry, along with all the people I know and have met since 2007 when I created my facebook account, Google, calculator, Microsoft. Things like twitter and facebook and myspace create the possibility to not need to be or see or even verbally express concerns to anyone, it eliminates human contact.

Because we see all tragedies semi-first hand as we see videos 30 minutes after they happen or have separate conversations at the same time thus saving time, we fail to knowledge that this is in great part what we've been looking for, what's wrong with society.

Finally, I state that I have no plans of forfitting my technological devices nor expect anyone who reads this to. And having stated the former, I doubt anyone will find this interesting, take this to heart or simply care. It's just what's been on my mind.

Stranger Disclosure

Once again, we're at the time of reconsideration, creating false goals, looking back on what we did wrong but most of all being excessively optimistic of the upcoming year. Personally I hope for basic things:
To not die, let something exciting happen, be satisfied once again with my life... once a year is enough. However, that whole making goals for yourself might as well be part of my life… so much for tradition.
Be healthy as in lose weight and be bikini healthy (especially since the trip to Africa made me fat)
Be more accepting, acknowledge that my brother is graduating and be ok with it
Acknowledge that time passes and rather that hate that, enjoy it
feel without thinking it twice
be a teenager

 
So, my trip to Africa brought for me a whole new realm of new experiences, nature-wise and other. Especially full personal disclosure to strangers and from them. Once I talked literally to a guy I met the day before about actual important topics and sharing something incredibly awkward yet at the same time completely natural, I have concluded that human nature only further confuses me. Isn't that just wonderful? Why… I'll just be coherent to this with another motto of mine … let it be, allow it to exist, no necessary reason or explanation simply recognize that things sometimes just are. so since this blog is mainly for me cause no one reads it, lets keep this in mind.