FUCK

I hate being this confused. I know people don’t understand. They don’t know where to place me in their head so some place me under “quirky” but most put me under weird… seriously...  like the fact that I don’t know who to call when I’m feeling lonely says a lot. Yeah, I can have fun and laughs with a lot. Or alike ALL people but I don’t feel comfortable. There’s a certain apprehension towards them. ID like they want more. Like something more from me that isn’t even in my head. Fuck It... Like always I’m gonna be a retard and look like a fool and call him. Because that's what I used to do when I was sad or lonely. I don’t need him to try to make me feel better, or happier... I simply feel comfortable... home… I guess I felt comfortable with him... now I feel judged. And looked down on. Ahh… My head.  I hate that he does that. That he can DO that.

I don’t necessarily worry about myself or my head or my future... but it always sucks to know that most people aren’t enough. Sometimes I wish I was little again. There was no bad and no harm. No judgment for being imaginative or naïve. No asshole-ery for being open or affectionate. Idk I want to be able to hug people and feel at home. I simply don’t feel at home. But I’m not even sure what home feels like. (not my house most definitely)

Maybe home is something more like walking around the field in 3^rd grade… or giving yourself, entirely to a person…. I want to feel at hope… is he the key..? Fuck… here we go 

Life Is Life... (na na na na nana)

Its hard. You know. To think about the brevity of life. To truly feel that there isn’t enough, that it can happen. Death. To anyone. Anything.

And sure. How you see things depends on what you’re contrasting it to. So fights, and screams and punches may seem like a big deal Rude comments, and diets will matter. That is, until you realize how ephemeral it is. How truly insignificant all the bad things are when looking at the brevity of life. When you compare that to disclosing feelings, and moments and happy thoughts … to life. What matters? What do you want your life to be?

Personally, I choose to keep the laughs, the friends, the hugs and high fives, the trips the falls and pictures of those moments that didn’t really matter until now. You see, human life may seem somewhat insignificant. And when thinking about it, may not have any purpose at all. But you know, if it doesn’t have a purpose. Give it one. Give it the purpose to explore the depths of your relationships, to have a blast at the park and try new things. Maybe break a few laws while you’re at it. Give it the purpose to smile and be happy and share in that happiness. Give it the purpose to create and love. To trust.