FUCK

I hate being this confused. I know people don’t understand. They don’t know where to place me in their head so some place me under “quirky” but most put me under weird… seriously...  like the fact that I don’t know who to call when I’m feeling lonely says a lot. Yeah, I can have fun and laughs with a lot. Or alike ALL people but I don’t feel comfortable. There’s a certain apprehension towards them. ID like they want more. Like something more from me that isn’t even in my head. Fuck It... Like always I’m gonna be a retard and look like a fool and call him. Because that's what I used to do when I was sad or lonely. I don’t need him to try to make me feel better, or happier... I simply feel comfortable... home… I guess I felt comfortable with him... now I feel judged. And looked down on. Ahh… My head.  I hate that he does that. That he can DO that.

I don’t necessarily worry about myself or my head or my future... but it always sucks to know that most people aren’t enough. Sometimes I wish I was little again. There was no bad and no harm. No judgment for being imaginative or naïve. No asshole-ery for being open or affectionate. Idk I want to be able to hug people and feel at home. I simply don’t feel at home. But I’m not even sure what home feels like. (not my house most definitely)

Maybe home is something more like walking around the field in 3^rd grade… or giving yourself, entirely to a person…. I want to feel at hope… is he the key..? Fuck… here we go