Try Not To Read

Sometimes life, gets complicated. And, let’s face it, my head, my mind doesn’t make things easier. I’m aware that what I say, what I think, is characteristic of a heavily medicated human being, or a deeply disturbed character... I feel that it’s neither. That I, that my brain, simply developed this way. I won’t deny it. Sometimes it gets hard to deal with. But people aren’t really the problem… Sure, I get some disapproving looks here and there, get in idle and ephemeral bickers here and there but the real struggles, the actual hassle comes from myself.

The thing is that dealing with my own head -though I in no way want to make it sound like I’m whining, cause that’s not what I’m aiming for- can become somewhat of a hassle. When I was little and started having these time-lapses, these spells in which my brain, my thoughts absorb my entire conscience, I would simply let them happen and disregard them as an occurrence of the moment. An everyday thing. They've developed into pieces of life which overlap and erase others, like a poster board made over time in which information becomes relevant and other gets erased. In which friends and opinions, and feelings, and interests, and approaches and bursts of feelings explode like paint-filled balloons at a carnival leaving their strong and short-lived trail behind. I think it’s beautiful… but every so often, the poster board gets lost and it’s like it gets covered by a blanket or a cloud of exhaust left by a moment in time that got driven away in an old car.

It scares me to really say this because I don’t have a way with words and I’m customarily misunderstood. Saying that I forget where I am, that my reality is not mine but someone else’s or that a show, a song, a breeze, a thought or a smell can simply overpower my brain and sink me into a moment or a state of being whether it be hyperactivity or anger that is not me may alarm some. I know for a fact that I’m not making myself clear, even though people... Anyone… can read this and feel like they understand, they don’t. And not because of their ineptitude but because of mine. Because I don’t know how to properly express myself.

It’s complicated in short. And even when I do start to put it in words my thoughts jump and skip over to other things  to the point where I no longer remember…. Alzheimers? Maybe…

As I am right now, I feel that there are many things in my head but one main emotion, and as I write, I literally, LITERALLY don’t see the keyboard at times. My vision is obscured by an envisionment, by my memories, my reminiscing. His eyes, that bottle, another night, I love him…. Love is not the word that I'm looking for. Love is meant for passionate, romantic sentiments while I, here, am using it do try and convey this feeling… this ultra-pseudo-mecca feeling that is what I feel at this specific moment. However,  I can try: Appreciation, gratefulness, affection, attraction, frustration … I can’t do it right now. It’s fine. Whatever.